My American Wedding

            You know it’s sort of funny how this post got here today. I was actually working on another post, which is forthcoming, and I told Nicole the title. She inferred some of the subject matter and had this to say:  “you know something, Dear. I think after this blog entry [referring to the other one in the works], you should write about something happy.” She tells me most of my blogs tend to be serious-minded and on the sad side. Awwww! Well my last blog entry, the one about Spock, was happy, so I contested. She countered by telling me the Spock piece was too reflective and weighty to be entirely happy. I disagree. It was quite celebratory! But oh well. So I am acceding to her request and doing more than she requested. I am postponing the posting of that other blog entry, which is a very serious matter, possibly one of the most serious issues facing us today, to some other day in the future and will post this one instead today. If you read the title, you have some idea where I’m going with this one, tongue in cheek and all.

            First, I said ‘my’ in referring to the wedding, because in so far as it takes two to have a wedding, each still starts out with their own vision of what a wedding ought to look like. The result, I suppose, is a combination of the two visions, with perhaps some bias to her side, since it’s supposedly the bride’s day. Still, calling it the bride’s day takes the groom’s celebrations out of it. Isn’t it the groom’s day too? And if it’s not, when is the groom’s day? Just asking. I’d prefer to think of it as the couple’s day. Though, that may be only me picking a nit. You married folks can better tell me, I’m sure.

            Now the first thing I want to say about weddings as I’ve observed them is that I’m not speaking from experience. I’ve never been married, obviously, and my parents’ wedding was, much like the rise and fall of Nazi Germany, brief, to the point, and abruptly over. So I don’t have a wealth of personal experiences to draw on, but let’s move on. Firstly, they’re expensive, American weddings are. Most cost in the upper 4 figures and many, many more cost in excess of fifteen to twenty thousand bucks. Why? So much money to say, “I do?” So my first point is this, I don’t want to spend, nor do I want anyone else to spend, so much money on the preparations for my nuptials. Not because I’m wholly altruistic and want people to save their money, but hey, the less someone spends on the structure of the wedding itself, the more they can set aside for wedding presents. I’m a capitalist, what can I say? Blenders and beds and arm chairs and living room rugs, we’ll need them. So no need to rent Washington Cathedral and to pay Rick Warren to officiate. Not that Nicole and I would want either Washington Cathedral or Rick Warren, I’m just saying. Also, what’s up with renting an assembly hall or a hotel ballroom, another massive expenditure, to host the reception? Her parents house is big enough for the number of guests we’ll have. I’ve seen it, trust me. And that brings me to guests.

            One of the reasons, my godmother pointed out to me, that weddings are so expensive in our country is the number of guests who get invited. Guest invites and expectations are a curious thing. It seems to be the American way that you invite simply everybody you’ve ever met or can claim the slightest blood relation to the wedding. Hundreds and hundreds of people, or at least several dozen. Again I ask, why? My philosophy on weddings is simple. If I haven’t heard from you in ten or fifteen years, why, exactly why, would I invite you to watch me get married? Moreover, why should you care about coming? Send a card, or save the stamp if you don’t want to. In short, the only people I intend to invite are the people who have maintained meaningful connections with me throughout my adult life. So I’m not going to look up the kid I knew down the street when I was 10 and ask him to tag along. To my humble way of thinking, this will drastically slash the number of guests. Nor am I going to invite every cousin or uncle or fourth cousin twice removed either. I’m not naming names here, and don’t bombard me with comments to my blog to the effect of, “you’re gonna invite me though, right?” That’s a quick way to get a “no,” just saying. But if Nicole and I both put this philosophy into strictest effect, the guest list will definitely be under a hundred and might, might, top out at fifty. What do you think, Dear?

            Now let’s get to the food. I’ve been to some weddings that had great food and to some where I had to go to McDonalds afterwards. Nick and Ashley and I have discussed this at length. If you’re going to have food at a wedding, it ought to be good, filling, delicious-tasting food. After all, you want to remember it as a great detail. Now Nicole and I haven’t decided what sort of food it ought to be, whether barbecue or steaks and burgers or pasta or a combo of the three, and that’s fine. But whatever it turns out to be, we’ll be able to actually feed people. So, out, I say, with little dainty finger sandwiches and olives on toothpicks and all the other sort of yuppie food (see my blog entry on that subject) that I’ve had the misfortune to consume at other people’s nuptials. In, I say, with the good stuff, stuff that Dee can cook or that Nana can cook. And remember, the fewer people you have coming, the less food you have to prepare and the lower your costs are. That brings me to catering. To me, catering, as in hiring out your catering, is very impersonal. Now I know that not everybody has the time or the skills or the resources to cook for several dozen people. I respect that, but if professional caterers can be avoided, so much the better. Now I’m not above paying some close friend or family member to do the cooking. I’d happily give Dee and/or Nana or even my own mother (who is an excellent cook when she chooses), two or three hundred bucks to cover supplies and to express my gratitude for the service, and I’d rest assured in the knowledge that the finished products would be excellent. Yes, the figure of 300 bucks is one I’ve pulled out of the air and is subject to revision, I know. But it beats the grand I’ve seen some folks pay caterers.

            So then, you might fairly ask, what sort of wedding, aside from one with a small guest list and modest costs, do I want? When I was younger, and more apt to let my perverse side have full reign, I’d have said that it should be outdoors, on a mountain top at midnight. The mountain top, because only the people who truly wanted to be there would climb up it, and at midnight, because if a marriage symbolizes a beginning, so too does midnight symbolize a temporal beginning. I suspect that if I actually did that, the wedding wouldn’t happen at all. No one would attend, not even the bride. And as we all know, if the bride’s absent from the proceedings, you may as well give it up. Though as a side note, as much of a night owl as Nicole is, she might be amenable to a midnight service. Here again, almost nobody else would be, Nana and my godmother included. I suppose daylight is required. How about a dawn wedding, just as the sun rises in the east? Well, again, my guest attendance would be even smaller than I’m  currently envisioning it. Details details. Well, what time of year? Not summer! Everybody, everybody, everybody gets married between June and August. June, statistically, is the most popular month for it. How about mid January! That’s not likely to happen, though we do like October. It’s not so populous with weddings, good old October. We could just get married Christmas day though. I’d be assured of never forgetting an anniversary, which is a mistake my father made once or twice. Still, I expect that to be soundly rejected as an idea. Oh well. Side note:  for those of you a bit slow on the uptake, no, I’m not referring to this year either.

            Indoors or Outdoors? I like the idea of an outdoor wedding. How many of them have you ever attended? Not many. And an outdoor reception, maybe in a city park, weather permitting. I like this idea. Wonder how it’ll go over with everyone else though. And don’t tell me it’s going to be cold. October in the south is still hot as hell and we all know it. As for rain on my wedding day, I’ve never been superstitious. And, since I can’t have my midnight service, how about evening. Around 6:00 or 7:00. Everyone gets married in the afternoon, it seems. Besides, if I’m going to be wearing something resembling a suit coat, there ought to be a practical reason, so let it be a tad chilly if it wants. We’ll have a reception party till around midnight or 1:00 and then we’ll disappear to spend our wedding night … who can say where. How about it? I’m imagining Nicole’s face as she reads this.

            There’s not a lot I can tell you about my own wedding preferences, except to say that it’ll be interesting to watch some of the more conservative elements of the families mingling with the, shall we say, more colorful elements? I intend to watch with interest. Yes, I know, I’m perverse. Lastly, Nick will be there. That’s a statement of fact and a threat. If he bails on me, has a music gig, lands in the hospital with heart flutters, or is in jail that day, I’ll murder him. So, no heart problems, music gigs, or jail cells that day. Not that he would; I just have to put it out there. He has to be there for two reasons. First, he’s the best man. I have to have one. Second, he has to give the unedited, uncensored toast. He feels passionately about censorship, and so he won’t be censored. He can say what he wants, provided it’s true, and in whatever manner he chooses. The results should be … fascinating. Ashley has to be there in case anything traumatic happens that requires her personal professional intervention. Same for Amy, though since Amy’s a clinical psychologist with a specialty in neuropsych and not a social worker, her assessments will be more clinical and more costly. So don’t get into trouble. Lastly, Chris Hailey will need to be there to uh, evaluate the wine. Why not. Actually, the less of it he has, the better. I wouldn’t be opposed to an alcohol free reception, actually. Not on moral grounds, but just because. Who needs it. My relatives drinking? That, you don’t want to see. You really, really don’t.

            Now that brings us to location. Not indoors versus outdoors, but actual, geographical location. My understanding is that the bride’s hometown is the traditional location. That means Greensboro North Carolina, some 12 hours east of Nashville for those who lack an atlas. I have no problem with this. Though if another location would be more suitable, I don’t have a problem with that either. But Greensboro looks likely. There are certain people Nicole wants there, and if we hold it far away such as in Tennessee or Chicago, that won’t happen. So Greensboro it will likely be. Good grief, I’ll have to book a plane ticket to my own wedding. I’ll hopefully be installed in my first teaching position, wherever that is, and will travel from there to North Carolina for the ceremonies, and then we’ll have to get her moved to Iowa, or Ohio, or New Mexico, or New Zealand or wherever I’m teaching. That’ll be fun. We’ll manage though. We always do.

            So that’s it. The Brad Blair take on his own wedding. Now I told Nicole that she’s obligated to write up a similar blog post on the same topic, and when you take the blogs together and synthesize them, you’ll have our wedding plans. So there you have it, Dear. Have fun writing. As for the rest of you, have a good one.